He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
