was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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