Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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