no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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