How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
