Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
