Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
