Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
