It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
