hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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