Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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