Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just found a bag of teeth...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
