New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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