Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
