I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
