i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
