there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
