I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
