nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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