All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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