You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
