Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Drunk is a universal language darling
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