i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
