Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
