If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
