You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
