At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
