i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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