My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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