Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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