That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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