Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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