i may or may not be watching the land before time
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
