And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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