census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
