If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
