it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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