I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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