Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
