she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
