Non-Jews are for practice
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
