Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
