3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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