I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
