I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
