I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
