The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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