We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
