So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
