If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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