There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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