I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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